5 ways to stop taking things personally. Do this, and become a happier person!
We all have a tendency to let something someone said, did, or even didn’t do cause us to question ourselves and feel hurt or angry.
If you are anything like I used to be, you let people’s comments or actions toward you negatively impact your self-worth.
I never felt I was good enough for anyone, and I always thought there was something wrong with me or that I had done something to cause others to treat me that way.
I deemed myself unlovable and “different,” and I felt I could never truly be myself, because if people saw who I really was, they wouldn’t like me.
But why do we allow ourselves to suffer over another person’s words or actions?
Since we were little, we have always assumed that everything is about “me.” We feel responsible for other people’s emotions, and we take things personally.
Or maybe we have insecurities and wounds from past experiences, and what was said reminds us of those wounds; we feel hurt and take it personally.
It is not that they are hurting us; it’s that what they are saying has touched our wounds.
If we want to stop internalizing everything and remain calm in these moments, we need to know this one truth: Most of what you think is about you… isn’t about you at all.
NOTHING ANYONE ELSE DOES IS BECAUSE OF YOU. IT IS BECAUSE OF THEMSELVES.
In the book The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz states that “Whatever you think, whatever you feel, I know is your problem, and not my problem. It is the way you see the world. It is nothing personal, because you are dealing with yourself, not with me. Others are going to have their own opinion according to their belief system, so nothing they think is really about me, but it is about them.”
This book is powerful; it has helped me to understand that whatever is happening around me doesn’t have to do with me. I am not responsible for the actions of others; only for my own.
Once I learned to accept this as the truth, I felt lighter, happier, and more confident in myself.
I know who I am, and I know my truth. I know what my beliefs are, and I know I create my own world in my head with my thoughts that no one else knows but me.
The same goes for you and every other human being on this planet.
Your thoughts and point of view are yours; they are your truth; therefore, they are personal to you, not to anyone else.
So why should we take anything anyone says personally when they are living in their own world with their own thoughts and beliefs?
We shouldn’t! And I know, I know, it’s a lot easier said than done.
I would have saved myself years of misery and suffering if I had realized and accepted this a lot sooner!
Most people are thinking about themselves.
When someone snaps at you, forgets to reply, or seems distracted, it’s usually a reflection of what’s happening inside them, not a judgment of you.
If you want to stop internalizing everything and save yourself from unnecessary suffering, you have come to the right place!
I will share with you 5 things that have helped me live more freely and peacefully, without suffering at the hands of others. Stop taking everything personally and change your life, right here and now!
5 ways to stop taking things personally and improve your life.
1. Don’t make assumptions
We all make assumptions; in fact, making assumptions and taking things personally are root causes of much of the sadness we have faced in our lives.
Sometimes we make assumptions about what others are thinking or doing, and we believe these assumptions to be true. Then we take it personally and create a big drama or cause ourselves to suffer.
When we don’t understand something or have questions that need an answer, and our reasoning mind can’t explain it, we make an assumption.
Even though this assumption is unlikely to be true, we feel better just having an answer, whether it is correct or not.
Taking things personally often involves assuming you know what others are thinking. We assume that others think and feel the way we do. We assume that they see life the same way we do, but that is far from the truth.
My best friend and I are a perfect example of how differently we see the world. Sometimes I feel as though we are living on different planets (that may be a little dramatic, but you get the point) because of our very different perspectives.
I frequently have to remind myself that even someone who knows me so well won’t always understand my feelings, agree with me, or share my perspective.
Have you ever looked at someone and said, “I know what you’re thinking?” Even if they agreed that you knew what they were thinking, chances are you didn’t know exactly what they were thinking.
The truth is, we don’t know what goes on in another person’s head, we don’t know their thoughts, their feelings, the pain they suffered or are still suffering. And they don’t know ours. We see the world with different eyes.
If we can learn to understand this, we will no longer have conflicts over assumptions.
2. Ask questions/question your assumptions
Okay, so one reason we make assumptions is that we don’t know the answer. But what if instead of making assumptions about things we don’t understand, we ask questions?
If we can communicate clearly and ask questions rather than make assumptions, we will no longer have misunderstandings or confusion.
Everybody has the right to ask questions, and when we ask rather than assume, things will become clear, and we will know the truth rather than make up stories in our heads.
We may never fully understand someone’s reasoning, but that’s okay. At least we will have a better idea of the truth than we did before we asked.
Now, I know I stated earlier that nothing anyone says or does is because of you, but what if they say it is, in fact, because of you?
Well, they may think it’s because of you, but how they act and react is completely on them. You are in control of your own emotions and actions; likewise, they are in control of theirs.
If someone rejects you, it is not proof of inadequacy; it is proof of individuality.
We all have different preferences, so if someone tells you they don’t like something about you, that is just their personal preference. There will be someone out there who prefers your qualities and characteristics.
You don’t like everyone. Not because they’re bad — just because personalities differ. The same applies in reverse.
It’s a challenge to go through our day without making any assumptions, but we have to do our best.
When you notice an assumption pop into your head, pause and ask yourself if there’s any proof it is true. More than likely, there is another explanation.
Even if nothing else makes sense, there is usually something we don’t know about, and things aren’t what we assume they are.
And once it is all said and done, it has nothing to do with us!
3. Allow others to own their emotions
Other people’s emotions are just that – their emotions. So why do we try to control or even feel responsible for someone else’s emotions? I, for one, am guilty of this.
I personally don’t like seeing people upset, and it has always made me feel uncomfortable when anyone expresses anger.
If someone were angry, I would wonder what I had done wrong to cause it, assume they might not like me, and shut down, go silent, maybe even remove myself from the situation. And still, to this day, if someone is struggling, I put in so much effort to help them, even at my own expense.
While there is nothing wrong with wanting to help people who are struggling, it is in our best interest not to sacrifice our well-being or happiness in the process.
We need to let people own their emotions and fully process them. It is not up to us to manage another person’s emotions.
Two people may be dealing with similar situations, but they will always have two different reactions. It all depends on their upbringing, how they handle their emotions, how they are feeling in that moment, and many other factors.
Regardless of how they respond, it has nothing to do with you!
In the book The Let Them Theory, Mel Robbins states that “Most people don’t know how to process their emotions and communicate in a healthy way, because they were never taught how, and they don’t have the tools to handle their emotions maturely.”
We need to let people be who they are and feel their emotions fully. It is up to us not to take it personally and to process our own emotions in a healthy way.
When we let people be who they are and focus on what we need to do to maintain our peace, we will be much happier and enjoy our lives.
4. Strengthen your sense of self
When you have a strong sense of who you are, your identity isn’t constantly shifting based on other people’s opinions, moods, or approval.
The more secure you feel internally, the less fragile you are externally.
Strengthening your sense of self will help you not take things personally, overthink interactions, and need others’ approval.
A strong sense of self is the quiet confidence that says: ” I know who I am, even if you don’t.”
When you rely on others for validation, every small shift in tone feels like rejection. But when you’re grounded in who you are, criticism and others’ emotional reactions don’t shake you as much.
Ways to build inner stability:
- Keep promises to yourself.
- Know your values.
- Develop skills and competence.
- Spend time alone without distraction.
- Speak kindly to yourself.
Take time every day to reflect, practice self-love and self-care daily, and figure out what makes you happy (and do more of it!)
Focus on your strengths and what sets you apart from others. Sometimes the thing that sets you apart is the same thing that makes you special!
Don’t forget to speak kindly to yourself and show yourself compassion when it’s needed.
When you treat yourself like your own best friend, that kindness will be reciprocated by others.
5. Protect your peace
What does protecting your peace really mean? It’s about protecting your mental and emotional stability from things that unnecessarily disturb it.
Set boundaries without feeling guilty. If someone is constantly depleting your energy or putting you down, it is okay to limit your time with them.
You should never tolerate disrespect or constant criticism. If someone can’t respect you or your boundaries, it is in your best interest to walk away. And if they decide to walk away, it is a blessing.
If someone is gossiping about you or others, please do not partake. If you can, remove yourself from the situation; if you can’t, don’t engage in whatever drama is being brought up.
Let people be who they are and say what they want to say. You know your truth; what they say isn’t about you, it’s about the beliefs and lies they have created in their world.
You have your beliefs, and you are the only person who knows your truth. You have your own personal point of view, and you don’t need to explain everything in your world to others.
If someone is wrong about something and you are right, trying to prove your right will only cause more conflict. If you know you are right, what does it matter if they think they’re right? You don’t need to prove anything to anyone; you know you’re right.
Would you rather be right or calm? Sometimes it’s better to maintain your peace by letting others think they are right.
When you are confident in who you are and you know what’s important to you, others’ opinions do not matter.
Don’t take things personally and you will be a much happier person.
“Don’t take anything personally, because by taking things personally, you set yourself up to suffer for nothing.” -Don Ruiz
In The Four Agreements, he also states that “People live in their own dream in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the world we live in. When we take something personally, we make an assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.”
Even if someone insults you directly and it seems personal, it is not. Their opinions, words, and actions are all according to the agreements they have in their mind.
If you can learn not to take things personally, you can’t be hurt by the things other people say and do.
When you let people be who they are and give them the freedom to do so, you will be much happier.
Pause before you react, and in that pause, remember they are living in their own world, and it isn’t about you.
Focus on your actions and reactions, because they are things you can control.
Sometimes, it’s better to walk away to keep your peace, and it also shows that you will not tolerate certain behaviors.
It can be challenging not to take everything personally, especially when it comes from family or loved ones. We just have to try our best and remember that every moment is an opportunity to try again.
You can take things personally and make something that has nothing to do with you a big deal, or you can accept that it has nothing to do with you and let it go.
You have the choice to take things personally and cause yourself suffering, or you can choose to focus on yourself and your reactions, and live a happier, more content life.
We always have a choice. What will you choose?
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